I don't think I've been quite myself since I started school. I thought things would drastically change. Well, they have, but with shades of gray. I guess I gotta start from the beginning...
I guess it all started back in December '05. The one girl who I showed a remote interest in, it backfired. It's not to say I didn't try, but nothing good came from it. We had a good time, but I could tell that this would be it, and nothing else would come out of it. That had me in a funk for a couple of days. After that, I lost the dog I grew up with for 15 years of my life. He was such a good companion who, seemingly out of nowhere, suffered a seizure, with no signs. Turns out he had a brain tumor....the only bad day of his life. A good couple of weeks went by and I thought I was on a rebound.
January starts off pretty well, until on the 28th, when I lost a major inspiration of my life. I was there during the final hours of my grandfather's life. Believe me, when you are at a hospital seeing someone who seems like a larger-than-life figure hooked up to machines that, to quote James Hetfield, "make him be," and you know that the realistic end is near and you refuse to think that way, it's so surreal. That had to have been the worst day of my life. And I wasn't the only one who felt that way, my entire family was shocked. I was a few months after my introduction into adulthood (my 18th), and already I was drawn into some of the things that happen in "the real world." It's hard to explain, but my grandfather, who represented the 19th district in the state of Pennsylvania in the State Senate in Harrisburg, was the thrid most powerful man in the state, right behind the governor and leiutenant governor. He was the majority leader of the Senate Appropriations Committee, which controled the state budget and where it went. He was a well-respected man in the state, not only Chester County. Some of the who's-who in politics, came to the viewing and the public funeral, including Governor Rendell, US Representative Joseph Pitts, and US Senator Arlen Spector, as well as several state senators and representatives and other state and community leaders and chair-holders. He was remembered in the Daily Local News for a good month after his passing, in articles and opinions from the readers. It was a relief to see that so many people knew him and respected him for what he did for this state. To him, it was like second nature, like he forgot he was representing the people he was helping in his community service projects.
In May, when a special election was held for a replacement (when the people of Chester County know you could never replace a man like that), it sent a pit in the collective stomach of my family to see that a two-faced Democrat (my grandfather was a Republican) won the election. He was a former County commissioner, so his name was everywhere. If only people got to see the other side of this toolbag. He showed up to an award ceremony for public service, and the award was named after my grandfather. My family was there, minus me, because I think I was working that night, along with the Republican candidate, who happened to be sitting next to my grandmother, who is one of the nicest people ever to grace this earth. I have yet to name the Democrat in question, so for arguments sake, let's just name him A. A sees the Republican candidate with my grandmother at the table and comes over and berates both my grandmother and the other candidate, thinking that they are turning the ceremony, honoring my grandfather for his services for this state, into a way to get votes, which would deter the people of Chester County from voting for him. When he figures out what this ceremony was about and why he even showed up in the first place, he immediately tries to go over to the table and apologize and make nice, to which my family was about ready to lynch him....figuratively speaking. It's hard for the public to know what a two-faced, corrupt politician he is, and it makes me sick to see his name posted on my grandfather's old office in downtown West Chester. I wish the next Republican running will blow him out of the water.
Flash foreward to June, where I found myself walking on stage to take my diploma. This started the summer, where I knew it would be the last time I would spend with my friends for a long time. It turned into a wild ride with me caught in the middle of friendships that were slowly deteriorating, none of which I will mention now. That was the summer where I realized that these friends are important to your life, so appreciate it because it might not last. In July, I had my graduation party where I saw some people who I haven't seen in years, and some of my friends showed up, but not a lot of who I wanted to be there. I made out with a lot of loot, which would come back to haunt me later on in this story.
September came, and I found myself moving into the city I am typing from now. I felt a little low coming in because I missed the people I love, but I realized I was not was not that far away from them. I made the transition fairly easily, I have met some great people who I hope to still hold friendships with later on in life. But here is where my situation started really messing me up.
In October, I decided to take the money I received for graduation, as well as the money I earned working, and buy a new computer. After several attempts on eBay and constantly getting dicked over by fake listings, I held off my search, but I was still looking. Two weeks into the month, I decided to knock out a long-standing issue I had been having with my car, that being of my intake gaskets and my driver-side window alignment. I took it to a Chevy dealer in West Chester and was told that it would take somewhere in the ballpark of $1600 to fix it. Distressed, I took it to the Chrysler dealer, who I have many ties with, and next door to a Chevy dealer, and, with the addition of new tires, endend up paying $916. A hell of a discount, but still was a hefty chunk of change.
From then on, it's been a struggle with money. Working at Target alieviated some of that, but after I came back from Winter Break, no one came into the store, and I found my hours cut back drastically. Not making more than $100 on a paycheck did not help matters either. When you drive as much as I do, you have to accomodate that. Not to mention the fact that I buy food for myself, and it starts to come back to haunt you.
To make matters worse, my computer died on Monday this week, and the alternator in my car died in the middle of an intersection during rush hour traffic in the snow on Tuesday. $60 for the tow and $480 for a new battery/alternator/labor later, I find myself relying on my family to get me through. When they said that they would buy me a new computer and saying the cost is not a problem, I know it is, because it kills me to pay that much out of my pocket, so I know it kills them, even if it is their own flesh and blood. I haven't worked in a week and I find myself scrounging for change just to do my laundry.
So in combination with money woes and losing people that I hold dear to me, I have not been in the greatest of moods lately. To make matters worse, I am still seeking that other half of me who could sympathize with me and make me realize that there are more important things in life than money. I mean, I realize that, but it feels better to me when someone close to you says it. So I'm stuck in a rut that I need to pull myself out of it. Some may think its trite, but I need to figure out some things and focus on making my nights a little easier to sleep on.
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melancholy
optimistic
tired
distressed
